Most bearded men are content with the odd bit of extra attention, a spot of posing and the odd hairy-chin wag with a fellow beard. Not so The Beards. These guys sing about beards. FOR A LIVING.
Forming accidentally from a one-off show in their native Australia in 2005, it turned out that the foursome’s compellingly ridiculous, surprisingly catchy songs (or was it just their facial hair?) were a hit and a cult following was born.
With songs like ‘If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums’ and ‘You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man’, these antipodean beard gurus seemed like they might have a few words of encouragement for our readers, so we caught up with Nathaniel Beard as the group set off for their great tour of Europe…
That is certainly true. We don’t really care much for music – we’re pretty much only interested in beards. When we started the band we didn’t know what music was – we used to just sit around and talk about beards and stroke our beards, and occasionally yell the word “BEARD” loudly. But as our beards grew, we found that we became proficient at various instruments and song writing techniques, which is lucky, as the band would not likely have gotten very far otherwise.
A lot of time. Too much time, in fact. It often cuts into our sound check time which has a hugely detrimental effect on our live show and infuriates our sound guy. But whatever – he doesn’t even have a beard. (We only employ beardless sound techs because we don’t like telling a bearded man what to do). But yes, our pre-gig beard prep is a vital part of our routine.
What do you mean?
It was after a show, and we were meeting some beardless fans at the merchandise table. This guy with sideburns came right up to me, grabbed my beard, and then suddenly produced a pair of scissors… he must have brought them with him to the gig. He moved to cut the end of my beard off and then stopped, telling me that I should watch my back, and that it could happen at any time. Needless to say, since then we’ve ramped up security. People without beards are screened upon entry, and I carry many guns at all times.
..it doesn’t matter whose beard is best, as long as everyone has a beard
Since we, with our beards, are at the maximum possible level of attractiveness, I assume we are equally attractive to everybody everywhere. Although I spend far too much time admiring myself in the mirror to worry about what other people think.
We don’t like being competitive. Bearded men have to stick together – it doesn’t matter whose beard is best, as long as everyone has a beard. Although I must say that Facey McStubblington’s beard is feeling particularly luxurious at the moment.
It’s tough to say. Probably a 3-way tie between God, The Prophet Mohammed and Charles Darwin. All excellent beards in their own right. Chuck Norris used to be in that list as well but he’s recently shaved, bringing great shame to himself and to bearded men everywhere.
What do you mean? Seriously, we are only interested in beards. Please don’t ask us any more questions that mention shaving or anything non-beard related. Speaking of beards, I’m stroking my beard right now. Oh yeah. Beards.
I can’t speak for the other guys, but I find her extremely attractive, and so do they. Unfortunately, I’m currently married to a woman who has no beard, but if I ever have the opportunity to upgrade to a bearded lady, I will divorce my wife immediately.
Pretty much just keep growing our beards. Our drummer John Beardman Jr. is planning on trialling a new beard-growing technique where he’s going to jump on the spot for 10hrs per day chanting the word “beard” over and over, and see if it helps his beard grow faster. We have a feeling that it will.
Yes. Don’t shave. Seriously, it’s the number one rookie mistake, and probably the biggest cause of people not having a beard. It’s a big problem. Everyone needs to let their beards run wild and free, the way nature intended.
TO BOOK TICKETS FOR THE BEARDS’ EUROPEAN TOUR AND TONIGHT’S SHOW IN HOXTON, VISIT THEIR WEBSITE http://thebeardsblog.wordpress.com/shows/.
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